Well, okay, just Zarnidear and wintermute. I don't have the beginning of
this, but I like accents.
wintermute: Wall? Bah. We made do with a bit o'
cloth.
Nyperold: Not to translate; to counter with a different
dialect. :-)
wintermute: If we were lucky, it'd be in the right place
to block the wind.
Zarniwoop: Oh? Tha 'ad wind, did
tha?
Nyperold: LOL. I was thinking something like that.
:-)
Zarniwoop: We never 'ad no weather. We 'ad ter
pretend.
Zarniwoop: Mek it up, like. An' it were good fer
us.
wintermute: We weren't allowed imagination.
Zarniwoop:
None o'this wind malarkey.
wintermute: If we got caught pretendin'
stuff, da would beat us to within an inch of our lives.
John: Is that
a Scottish brogue?
Zarniwoop: Yorkshire.
Zarniwoop: Oh? Tha
were allowed parents? We was crammed into a tent by Social Services! Fifty o'us
at a time! Tha 'asn't lived if tha 'asnt bin med ter live in tha's own filth
with fifty others! It built character! And we liked it!
Randy: Zarni:
You're Poor
wintermute: An entire tent to yourselves?
Luxury!
wintermute: There were 7 familes, none less than 75 people in
one 'ole in t'road!
Zarniwoop: Tha 'ad road?
Zarniwoop: Are
tent was in t'middle of Ilkley Moor.
wintermute: T'weren't our road.
Belonged to t'council.
wintermute: 'Appen yoy dint 'ave people drivin'
over you, all t'time.
Zarniwoop: We never 'ad road or council on
t'moor.
Zarniwoop: Or people to drive over us.
wintermute:
Aye. And that's why tha grew up soft.
Zarniwoop:
Soft?
wintermute: Aye. Soft.
Zarniwoop: We never knew what
soft was until yon bloke from t'council showed up and relocated us to livin' on
t'centre spot of Valley Parade.
Zarniwoop: Kids we were with didn't
know they were born.
wintermute: Tha 'ad entire Moor t'tha self, and
probably no beatin' senseless.
Zarniwoop: By then there were only four
o'us, the rest dies of bein' on Ilkley Moor bar't'at.
wintermute: We
used t' get up at 5 am, have a bowl of cold gravel, work 27 hours, get beaten
half t'death, and go t'bed 'ungry.
wintermute: Twice, on Sundays,
mind.
Zarniwoop: We never 'ad work, though. Nowt official. We med a
livin' by nicking from yon market in Low Catton.
Zarniwoop: Twenty
miles there and back.
Zarniwoop: Twice as far when there were a
snowstorm, or owt like that.
wintermute: You med a livin'? That's
mor'n we ever did.
Zarniwoop: And then ends never
met.
wintermute: We 'ad to pay for the priviledge of
workin'.
Zarniwoop: I never knew when I were
born.
Zarniwoop: Or where.
Selah: Ah bien, nous sommes dans
le ... le... same boat.
Zarniwoop: Is this Four Yorkshiremen or Let's
All Imitate Pepe le Bloody pew?
Zarniwoop: I just awoke one day on
t'moor.
wintermute: I dint have a birthday until I was twelve, tha
knows.
Zarniwoop: Just after all trees fell down.
Zarniwoop:
We 'ad ter burn mud.
Zarniwoop: And each other.
wintermute:
By the, I was workin' 28 hours a day down t'mine.
wintermute: Plantin'
coal.
wintermute: That was work.
Zarniwoop: I remember one
o't'lads gave us four months of light.
Zarniwoop: Well, I told yer we
never 'ad no work. 'Ad ter get by on theivin'.
wintermute: Theivin's
soft work.
wintermute: Fer people 'oo can't dig through shale wi'
their bare teeth.
Zarniwoop: We could do that an' more, but we was
laid off.
wintermute: I bet you even got t' see daylight,
sometimes.
Zarniwoop: T'pit just closed its doors one
day.
Zarniwoop: Aye, sometimes. about once a
decade.
wintermute: Your pit 'ad doors?
Zarniwoop: And then
we were all indoors wi' coal.
Zarniwoop: Aye. It 'ad doors, an' it
were t'doors that med it go bust.
wintermute: We dint 'ave anyhting as
fancy as doors.
wintermute: We 'ad an 'ole. We was proud t' work in an
'ole.
wintermute: Mind, it were a bugger when it
rained.
Zarniwoop: An we were dreamin' o'gettin' back to are troo
callin'.
wintermute: The drownin's could be bad.
Zarniwoop:
But t'glory days of t'Igh Catton mines were over.
John: I trust you
fellows are enjoying your selves dialectizing RinkChat?
wintermute:
John: Yeah, thanks.
Zarniwoop: And Low Catton never 'ad owt in t'way
of non-poncey work.
wintermute: 'Aven't tha 'eard of commutin'? We
walked 87 miles a day to our 'ole.
wintermute: Each way. Twice in
winter.
Zarniwoop: Commutin's fer wimps and
jessies.
wintermute: An' then we payed for the privilege of buryin'
coal. We buried coal 30 hours a day, got a cup of cold gravel t' eat, and got to
bed an 'our after we 'ad t' wake up.
Zarniwoop: Plus, t'only way out
o't'Catton area were by ferry, twice a year.
Zarniwoop: If t'lake
never iced over.
wintermute: Ferry? We swam 10 miles o'
that.
Zarniwoop: Which it always did.
Zarniwoop: And
o'course they never let t'likes of us on.
wintermute: The last 5 miles
were 'ardest. That were over land.
Zarniwoop: One lad escaped by
shreddin' 'imself in yon propeller.
wintermute: I used to dream of
bein' shredded in a propeller.
wintermute: It beat bein' killed every
night by our da.
Nyperold: "Tha' had dreams?"
Zarniwoop: I
weren't so lucky.
Zarniwoop: I eked out a livin' by thievin' in
t'theivin' season and starvin' in t'starvin' season. Which were almost all year
round.
Zarniwoop: Not that we knew such poncey pap as
years.
wintermute: Then yon coal buryin' job got mechanised. We 'ad to
eat mud an' worms after that.
Zarniwoop: Oh, tha got worms with tha's
mud?
wintermute: But only until t' people of 'Igh Catton took all our
worms.
Zarniwoop: We 'ad worms once a year, if
that.
Zarniwoop: Rest o'time it were mud or nowt. usually
nowt.
wintermute: O'course, we were glad when we went 'ungry. Built
character.
Zarniwoop: And livin' on nowt in't easy, I'll 'ave tha
know.
wintermute: Built lots o' character in the winter o' 43, we
did.
wintermute: An' every other winter, come to
that.
Zarniwoop: O'course, we weren't allowed
character.
Zarniwoop: 'Ad ter mek do wi' badly caricatured
stereotypes.
wintermute: Tha could a theived character.
* Nyperold thinks of Maus, where they got so hungry, they
chewed on wood because it was a little like chewing
food.
Zarniwoop: If tha's a stereotype, tha'll always be a
stereotype.
wintermute: We couldn't afford ready-made stereotypes.
That's why we 'ad t' make our own character.
Zarniwoop:
Pfeh.
wintermute: Nyp: Maus rules.
Zarniwoop: We was
incapable o'mekin' things.
Zarniwoop: [wm]
Seconded.
Zarniwoop: We 'ad ter tek it or do
wi'out.
Zarniwoop: An' we did wi'out, unless it were there. Which it
weren't.
wintermute: Med out o' old bits o' bone that we didn't need
anymore.
Zarniwoop: Waste of bloody good bone.
wintermute:
You en't lived until you've made character out o' your own
shin.
wintermute: 'Urt, mind, tekkin' it out.
Zarniwoop:
Anyways, I remember after we was evicted from Catton.
Zarniwoop: We
'ad ter live in an egg-cup outside 'Igh Catton.
wintermute: Too posh,
was you?
Zarniwoop: 'Undreds of us at time.
wintermute: An
egg cup? T' luck o' some people.
Zarniwoop: Tha posh lah-di-dah
buggers in Catton demanded rent. Big girl's blouses.
Zarniwoop: Jus'
fer livin on t'street.
wintermute: There we was, all livin' in a
river. Not that we was allowed water, mind.
Zarniwoop: At least tha
'ad space.
wintermute: Any we swallowed, we 'ad to spit out again, and
more besides.
Zarniwoop: Yer got no idea 'ow 'ard it is ter sleep when
Pete Smith's fat arse is farting in yer face.
wintermute: Well, I say
river. More of a stream, now I think back.
Zarniwoop: When 'e were
allowed gas. Which weren't often.
wintermute: Mind, it seemed like a
river. We were greatful, back then.
wintermute: If we weren't
grateful, we'd not be allowed to work, y'see.
Zarniwoop: I'll still
maintain working is fer tha who's too wimpy ter provide for
thaself.
Zarniwoop: O'course, then we were kicked out o'our
egg-cup.
wintermute: We 'ad t' provide fer usself. We worked fer t'
pride o' it.
Zarniwoop: No pride, no nuthin'.
wintermute: We
dint get paid, or anythin' like that.
Zarniwoop: We swam are way out
o'Catton.
Zarniwoop: Which in't 'alf 'ard wi'out t'use of tha's
legs.
wintermute: Tha 'ad legs?
wintermute: We 'ad one pair
o' legs atween t' 19 o' us.
Zarniwoop: Only on other
Sundays.
Zarniwoop: An' that were wi' killin' 'alf the
group.
wintermute: I were allowd to use 'em on t' 33rd o' every
month.
Zarniwoop: They were good as dead anyways.
Zarniwoop:
An' once we got out o'yon Catton, we returned to t'moor.
Zarniwoop:
Course, by now we 'ad ter mek do wi' rabbit 'ole in t'mudslide
area.
wintermute: Aye. T' luxury o' t' moor.
Zarniwoop: Tha
can't talk.
wintermute: An entire rabbit
'ole?
Zarniwoop: At least tha 'ad a pit.
Zarniwoop: Course
not an entire bloody 'ole.
wintermute: When we 'ad a rabbit 'ole we
shared it wi' a family o' brocks.
Zarniwoop: What d'ter think I am?
Some sort of wimp?
wintermute: Two o' my brothers got thesselves
gutted by 'em.
Zarniwoop: We shared are 'ole wi rabbits, worms,
donkeys, an' t'odd lost sheep.
Zarniwoop: If sleepin' wi' Smithy
farting in tha's face is hard, 'ow about with a donkey fartin' in tha's face?
And that were every night, too.
wintermute: You 'ad
sheep?
Zarniwoop: They weren't ours.
Zarniwoop: They were
bloody dangerous.
wintermute: I bet you med real wool blankets out o'
them.
Zarniwoop: They could kill, maim, or rape at an 'undred
paces.
Zarniwoop: Course, Tommy the Taff liked that, but then 'e were
a bit off t;deep end.
Zarniwoop: God knows what a bloody wimp like
that were doin' wi' real blokes like us.
wintermute: You 'ad Taffys?
Our 'ole were overrun by Micks, afore we knew what were
what.
Zarniwoop: We was lucky. We were about ter be invaded by
everyone at once.
Zarniwoop: But by using everyone else as a decoy, I
escaped and found meself a bog to live in.
wintermute: Oh
aye?
wintermute: A bog now, is it?
wintermute: Ye fell on
yer feet, then?
Zarniwoop: A bog. Wi'suck so fast if I went ter sleep
it'd suck me in in a second.
Zarniwoop: Round t'clock mud and water.
Not that I 'ad a clock.
wintermute: How I dreamed of bein' allowed me
so much as a stagnant pond.
Zarniwoop: An' it weren't even a large
bog, like the Joneses 'ad.
Zarniwoop: Not even wide enough or deep
enough to drown a bloody worm.
Zarniwoop: It were reet cold, I can
tell yer.
wintermute: We weren't allowed cold.
Zarniwoop: I
di'nt know what bloody cold was.
wintermute: We 'ad freezin' or
boilin'. Nowt inbetwixt.
Zarniwoop: But if I 'ad, that were what it
would 'ave been.
Zarniwoop: An' then, when t'bog dried up in t'24
heatwave, I ended up livin' in a gorse bush.
wintermute: Our 'ole were
filled wi' ice more often than not.
wintermute: We'd 'ave to eat our
way out every mornin'.
Zarniwoop: Wi' bluddy prickles up me arse day
and night.
Zarniwoop: Summat like 'ow Tommy t'Taff must 'ave felt in
t'ole.
wintermute: Course, after the 'ole collapsed, we were just
underground.
Zarniwoop: At least tha would have been
warm.
wintermute: Eatin yer way through frozen mud everyday, weren't
fun.
wintermute: But at least it were one meal we
got.
Zarniwoop: Freezin' snowfalls day an' night! Twice in
winter!
Zarniwoop: An' no food but prickles.
Zarniwoop: An
t'odd cowpat.
wintermute: We got prickles once. It were a rare
treat.
Zarniwoop: When a farmer would get lost an' wander my
way.
Zarniwoop: Once in a bluddy moon.
wintermute: I made
that prickle last for months, just to savour the taste.
Zarniwoop: Tha
could get away with it, tho'.
RinkChat: The chat room
topic has been changed to 'The wintermute and Zarnidear show' by
Cynthia.
Zarniwoop: If I 'adn't been starving, them prickles
would have lasted me a lifetime.
Selah: LOL
Cynthia.
wintermute: Then we 'ad to move out o' our
ex-'ole.
wintermute: Ended up livin' under a garden shed, wi' a family
o' 'ungry foxes.
wintermute: We et sawdust then.
Zarniwoop:
At least tha 'ad company.
wintermute: Still it kept t' rain of our
'eads.
wintermute: NOt that we 'ad 'eads, mind.
wintermute:
NOt that we 'ad 'eads, mind.
wintermute: They got et by t'
foxes.
Zarniwoop: Once I talked ter a cowpat fer nine months, instead
o'eatin' it.
Zarniwoop: Just fer owt ter do.
wintermute: You
'ad a pet?
Zarniwoop: No, not a bluddy pet.
wintermute: I
weren't allowed a pet.
Zarniwoop: There were a pigeon that used to fly
about near me.
wintermute: Pets were too soft for
us.
Zarniwoop: Then it shat on me 'ead, so I et it.
John:
Guess what? We rented some movies this weekend.
famous: What did you
rent?
Zarniwoop: Movies? Movies? Tha 'as movies?
Zarniwoop:
I med do wi' countin' clouds.
Zarniwoop: When I could see them through
the rain.
wintermute: We 'eard about someone 'oo 'ad a 'oop,
once.
Zarniwoop: Which weren't often.
Zarniwoop: A
what?
wintermute: That were our entertainment.
wintermute: A
'oop. It's like a 'ole, but wi' a rim.
Zarniwoop: Tha 'ad
rims?
Zarniwoop: I never 'ad a rim, or an edge, or a point. Except the
ones on t'bloody prickles.
wintermute: Nah. Posh bloke 'ad a rim. We
just 'eard about it.
Zarniwoop: Ah. Posh bloke.
John:
Fellowship of the Ring, Monsters, Inc., and Legally
Blonde.
wintermute: We talked 'bout that fer months. Best fun we 'ad
in ages.
Zarniwoop: And what did tha 'ear with?
John: That
latter was my wife's pick.
Zarniwoop: Surely tha didn't 'ave
ears?
wintermute: Da 'ad an ear.
wintermute: T'other got et
by a brock we we was in t' 'ole.
Zarniwoop: Yeah, well, 'e 'ad
beatin's.
Zarniwoop: So it's understandable,
like.
wintermute: We couldn't afford beatin's. Not after t' 'ole
collapsed.
Zarniwoop: Then, o'course, lightnin' destroyed me
bush.
Zarniwoop: An' I 'ad ter move on.
wintermute: we had
t' mek do wi' just a tongue lashin'.
Zarniwoop: After that, I never
'ad nowt.
Zarniwoop: Except a patch of mud.
wintermute: Da
'ad a sharp bit o' tongue 'e saved just for that.
Zarniwoop: If I were
lucky.
Zarniwoop: Oh yeah, tha with tha's posh accesories like
da's.
wintermute: Bah. You talk about posh, wi' your entire moor, and
steady theivin'.
wintermute: We couldn't afford air, most
days.
Zarniwoop: Thievin were only steady when it were around. Once
every year, but never regular, like.
wintermute: We 'ad to 'old our
breath from Tuesdays t' Saturdays.
Zarniwoop: Not that I could afford
years, as I already said.
wintermute: Not that we 'ad a calender. Once
I 'eld me breath all month, because I dint know what day it
was.
Zarniwoop: Aye, tha never 'ad air. But at least tha' never 'ad
ter mek do wi' a bit of mud and nowt else.
Zarniwoop: I never could
ever leave it. Twere impossible.
Zarniwoop: An entire moor, and I were
stuck in t'worst bit.
Zarniwoop: Couldn't afford things like
luck.
wintermute: Gi'en the choice, I'd o' swapped wi'
ya.
DemanusFlint: Thot moor wot stock ya?
Zarniwoop: Di'nt
believe in them anyway.
Zarniwoop: Yer bluddy
insane.
Zarniwoop: Gi'ing up tha's da, and tha's little
air.
wintermute: Nah. I just know soft livin' when I see
it.
Zarniwoop: Obviously not.
I lost a bit here somehow. Ah, well.
Zarniwoop: At least tha 'ad summat to sell.
wintermute: We
were allowed to buy twigs for 10 shillin' each.
wintermute: So once
every few month, we'd save up enough for a meal.
Zarniwoop: I 'ad ter
nick me twigs.
wintermute: You got free twigs?
Zarniwoop:
From guarded police compound.
wintermute: Lucky
bleeder.
Zarniwoop: Usually cost me three nights being hung by me
knackers on t'wall.
Zarniwoop: It were worth it,
though.
wintermute: Upside down?
Zarniwoop:
Sometimes.
wintermute: Jailer's pet, were you?
Nyperold:
When 'e cou afford upside.
Zarniwoop: No. Jailer bluddy 'ated
me.
wintermute: Upside down were a luxury.
Zarniwoop: So
'e'd drop cannonballs on me.
wintermute: Prison I was in, you dint get
upside down unless you were jailer's favourite.
wintermute: Right
vicious sod, 'e was.
Zarniwoop: Tha 'ad prison?
Zarniwoop: I
'ad ter mek do wi' town wall.
wintermute: 'E once ripped all o' my
skin off wi' a cheese grater. Just because 'E dint like the colour o'h my
hair.
wintermute: An' me bald as a coot, too.
* DemanusFlint sinks deeper and deeper into the Cockney
accents... such bliss...
Zarniwoop: 'Ow would tha know what
a coot looked like?
Zarniwoop:
COCKNEY?????????????
wintermute: DF:
Yorkshire.
DemanusFlint: Yorkshire, Cockney. I'm sure there's no
difference.
wintermute: Stupid Americans.
DemanusFlint:
(-:
Zarniwoop: This is pure bluddy Yorkshire! I don't 'old no bluddy
truck with THEM bluddy softies.
DemanusFlint: No, I know there's a
difference between them. I just couldn't tell by typing.
Zarniwoop:
Yorkshire is up North. Cockney is the East End of London.
wintermute:
I saw a coot once. I were actin' as target practice fer local
poacher.
DemanusFlint: Give me a sentence in Cockney, and then the
same sentence in Yorkshire.
Zarniwoop: Okay. My response to that, in
Cockney:
Zarniwoop: Blimey! You was able to work for a poacher? My
lad, you haven't got a clue.
Zarniwoop: Not terribly good Cockney, but
the accent's most of it.
Zarniwoop: Yorkshire:
Zarniwoop: By
gum, tha knew poachers? An' well enuff ter werk fer one?
DemanusFlint:
I thought Cockneys did that weird '"h" where it doesn't belong, and not where it
should be' thing too.
Zarniwoop: And tha talks about
sufferin'.
Zarniwoop: Bluddy hypocrite.
Zarniwoop: What
weird thing?
DemanusFlint: Like when you were saying "'ad" instead of
"had." I thought Cockneys did that.
Zarniwoop:
Yeah.
wintermute: Aye. He'd practice shootin' at me, and in exchange,
I'd be allowed to sniff the skins every second month.
Zarniwoop: But
it sounds different.
Zarniwoop: Sniff? Tha 'ad a nose as
well?
Zarniwoop: Cockneys also don't say things like "tha" or truncate
"the" to "t'"
DemanusFlint: Ah.
Zarniwoop: Or "summat", or
"yonder".
wintermute: And they tend to use rhyming slang that you
would find far more impenetrable.
Zarniwoop: Or "big girl's
blouse".
Zarniwoop: Eh! I'm talking to tha! Did tha or did tha not
'ave a bluddy nose?
wintermute: Like "Get yer plates down the frog,
and tinkle the joanna in the rub-a-dub, and I'll buy you a couple of
britanys."
Zarniwoop: Come to the next RU and I'll give you a crash
course in recognising English dialects.
wintermute: I used to 'ave a
nose. It got shot off, second day, mind.
Zarniwoop: Shot
off?
Zarniwoop: Mine were on t'point of freezin'
off.
wintermute: Aye. Wi' shot.
Zarniwoop: Then it got gored
by one o'Tommy t'Taff's sheep.
wintermute: Like I say, you was lucky,
'avin' Taffs.
Zarniwoop: At least Paddies don't go out ter bugger the
local wildlife.
wintermute: We only 'ad Micks fer
company.
wintermute: Aye, but yon buggerin' meks t' huntin'
easier.
Zarniwoop: Nor Micks, nor Jocks.
Zarniwoop: Yeah,
but it makes bluddy almighty row.
wintermute: An' that's 'ow yer find
'em.
DemanusFlint: Taffs, Paddies, Micks,
Jocks?
DemanusFlint: MOLD ME, OH BRITISH ONES.
wintermute:
Taffs = Welshmen.
wintermute: Paddies = Southern Irishmen (also
"Boggies")
wintermute: Micks = Norther Irishmen
wintermute:
Jocks = Scotsmen.
Zarniwoop: Yeah, but 'oo wants ter watch owt that
weren't intended by nature?
wintermute: Well, I suppose you 'ad better
things t' watch, did you?
wintermute: I suppose you 'ad
sceenery or summat.
Zarniwoop: No, but anything's better than
bluddy Tommy shaggin' a sheep.
Zarniwoop: Even a bluddy Tottenham
match.
wintermute: Was a time, we was livin' on a rubber dingy in t'
middle o' t' North Sea. If we saw a wave, it were a special
event.
Zarniwoop: Not that we ever 'ad football.
wintermute:
We 'ad to swim 50 miles so see anything at all.
[->wintermute] I bet it hurt Zarni deep inside to say,
"Not that we ever 'ad football."
Zarniwoop: O'course, then
t'council kicked me off t'moor. Dumped me in t'Irish Sea.
wintermute:
An' then it were just a lump o' rock in t' middle o'
nowhere.
Zarniwoop: Wi'out not so much as a stitch o'clothing. Or owt
else.
*wintermute*
Probably.
Zarniwoop: I survived by eating t'salt in
t'water.
Zarniwoop: Eventually, I med it to t'Irish
coust.
wintermute: We only et sea water on
Sundays.
wintermute: Rest o' the time we 'ad t' mek do w' rain
water.
Zarniwoop: Soon as I realised, I jumped straight back in and
'eaded t'other way.
wintermute: Some days it dint rain for weeks, an
we went 'ungry.
wintermute: But we were used t'
that.
Zarniwoop: Got lost.
Zarniwoop: Spend god knows how
long flounderin'.
Zarniwoop: Eventually, I were washed up in Sierra
Leone an'used as a dummy by t'Army.
wintermute: Some days we couldn't
even afford to float.
wintermute: We 'ad to dodge sharks, t'
boot.
Zarniwoop: Tied ter a pole in t'middle
o'nowhere.
Zarniwoop: Sharks? I could never affors
sharks.
Xavier: Minna-san, Nihongo o hanasu koto ga dekimasu
ka?
Zarniwoop: Worst I could affort ter be threatened with were
plankton.
wintermute: I wish we'd on'y 'ad
plankton.
wintermute: That's the kind o' thing today's kids
get.
Zarniwoop: Aye. Today's kids.
Xavier: Wakarimasu
ka?
wintermute: Don't know they're alive, if you ask
me.
Zarniwoop: Wouldn't know hard if it came up and bit them on
t'bloody arse.
Zarniwoop: Aye. Wouldn't know if they was
dead.
wintermute: I knew dead. Every bloody
day...
Zarniwoop: Ah well. Youth these days.
* wintermute is off now. Thank you for tuning
in.
Zarniwoop: Wouldn't know if they died and went to
'eaven.
wintermute: Aye, kids today.
* Selah
claps weakly.
RinkChat: The chat room topic has
been changed to 'Show's over, folks.' by wintermute.
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