Four Yorkshiremen in RinkChat

Well, okay, just Zarnidear and wintermute. I don't have the beginning of this, but I like accents.

wintermute: Wall? Bah. We made do with a bit o' cloth.
Nyperold: Not to translate; to counter with a different dialect. :-)
wintermute: If we were lucky, it'd be in the right place to block the wind.
Zarniwoop: Oh? Tha 'ad wind, did tha?
Nyperold: LOL. I was thinking something like that. :-)
Zarniwoop: We never 'ad no weather. We 'ad ter pretend.
Zarniwoop: Mek it up, like. An' it were good fer us.
wintermute: We weren't allowed imagination.
Zarniwoop: None o'this wind malarkey.
wintermute: If we got caught pretendin' stuff, da would beat us to within an inch of our lives.
John: Is that a Scottish brogue?
Zarniwoop: Yorkshire.
Zarniwoop: Oh? Tha were allowed parents? We was crammed into a tent by Social Services! Fifty o'us at a time! Tha 'asn't lived if tha 'asnt bin med ter live in tha's own filth with fifty others! It built character! And we liked it!
Randy: Zarni: You're Poor
wintermute: An entire tent to yourselves? Luxury!
wintermute: There were 7 familes, none less than 75 people in one 'ole in t'road!
Zarniwoop: Tha 'ad road?
Zarniwoop: Are tent was in t'middle of Ilkley Moor.
wintermute: T'weren't our road. Belonged to t'council.
wintermute: 'Appen yoy dint 'ave people drivin' over you, all t'time.
Zarniwoop: We never 'ad road or council on t'moor.
Zarniwoop: Or people to drive over us.
wintermute: Aye. And that's why tha grew up soft.
Zarniwoop: Soft?
wintermute: Aye. Soft.
Zarniwoop: We never knew what soft was until yon bloke from t'council showed up and relocated us to livin' on t'centre spot of Valley Parade.
Zarniwoop: Kids we were with didn't know they were born.
wintermute: Tha 'ad entire Moor t'tha self, and probably no beatin' senseless.
Zarniwoop: By then there were only four o'us, the rest dies of bein' on Ilkley Moor bar't'at.
wintermute: We used t' get up at 5 am, have a bowl of cold gravel, work 27 hours, get beaten half t'death, and go t'bed 'ungry.
wintermute: Twice, on Sundays, mind.
Zarniwoop: We never 'ad work, though. Nowt official. We med a livin' by nicking from yon market in Low Catton.
Zarniwoop: Twenty miles there and back.
Zarniwoop: Twice as far when there were a snowstorm, or owt like that.
wintermute: You med a livin'? That's mor'n we ever did.
Zarniwoop: And then ends never met.
wintermute: We 'ad to pay for the priviledge of workin'.
Zarniwoop: I never knew when I were born.
Zarniwoop: Or where.
Selah: Ah bien, nous sommes dans le ... le... same boat.
Zarniwoop: Is this Four Yorkshiremen or Let's All Imitate Pepe le Bloody pew?
Zarniwoop: I just awoke one day on t'moor.
wintermute: I dint have a birthday until I was twelve, tha knows.
Zarniwoop: Just after all trees fell down.
Zarniwoop: We 'ad ter burn mud.
Zarniwoop: And each other.
wintermute: By the, I was workin' 28 hours a day down t'mine.
wintermute: Plantin' coal.
wintermute: That was work.
Zarniwoop: I remember one o't'lads gave us four months of light.
Zarniwoop: Well, I told yer we never 'ad no work. 'Ad ter get by on theivin'.
wintermute: Theivin's soft work.
wintermute: Fer people 'oo can't dig through shale wi' their bare teeth.
Zarniwoop: We could do that an' more, but we was laid off.
wintermute: I bet you even got t' see daylight, sometimes.
Zarniwoop: T'pit just closed its doors one day.
Zarniwoop: Aye, sometimes. about once a decade.
wintermute: Your pit 'ad doors?
Zarniwoop: And then we were all indoors wi' coal.
Zarniwoop: Aye. It 'ad doors, an' it were t'doors that med it go bust.
wintermute: We dint 'ave anyhting as fancy as doors.
wintermute: We 'ad an 'ole. We was proud t' work in an 'ole.
wintermute: Mind, it were a bugger when it rained.
Zarniwoop: An we were dreamin' o'gettin' back to are troo callin'.
wintermute: The drownin's could be bad.
Zarniwoop: But t'glory days of t'Igh Catton mines were over.
John: I trust you fellows are enjoying your selves dialectizing RinkChat?
wintermute: John: Yeah, thanks.
Zarniwoop: And Low Catton never 'ad owt in t'way of non-poncey work.
wintermute: 'Aven't tha 'eard of commutin'? We walked 87 miles a day to our 'ole.
wintermute: Each way. Twice in winter.
Zarniwoop: Commutin's fer wimps and jessies.
wintermute: An' then we payed for the privilege of buryin' coal. We buried coal 30 hours a day, got a cup of cold gravel t' eat, and got to bed an 'our after we 'ad t' wake up.
Zarniwoop: Plus, t'only way out o't'Catton area were by ferry, twice a year.
Zarniwoop: If t'lake never iced over.
wintermute: Ferry? We swam 10 miles o' that.
Zarniwoop: Which it always did.
Zarniwoop: And o'course they never let t'likes of us on.
wintermute: The last 5 miles were 'ardest. That were over land.
Zarniwoop: One lad escaped by shreddin' 'imself in yon propeller.
wintermute: I used to dream of bein' shredded in a propeller.
wintermute: It beat bein' killed every night by our da.
Nyperold: "Tha' had dreams?"
Zarniwoop: I weren't so lucky.
Zarniwoop: I eked out a livin' by thievin' in t'theivin' season and starvin' in t'starvin' season. Which were almost all year round.
Zarniwoop: Not that we knew such poncey pap as years.
wintermute: Then yon coal buryin' job got mechanised. We 'ad to eat mud an' worms after that.
Zarniwoop: Oh, tha got worms with tha's mud?
wintermute: But only until t' people of 'Igh Catton took all our worms.
Zarniwoop: We 'ad worms once a year, if that.
Zarniwoop: Rest o'time it were mud or nowt. usually nowt.
wintermute: O'course, we were glad when we went 'ungry. Built character.
Zarniwoop: And livin' on nowt in't easy, I'll 'ave tha know.
wintermute: Built lots o' character in the winter o' 43, we did.
wintermute: An' every other winter, come to that.
Zarniwoop: O'course, we weren't allowed character.
Zarniwoop: 'Ad ter mek do wi' badly caricatured stereotypes.
wintermute: Tha could a theived character.
* Nyperold thinks of Maus, where they got so hungry, they chewed on wood because it was a little like chewing food.
Zarniwoop: If tha's a stereotype, tha'll always be a stereotype.
wintermute: We couldn't afford ready-made stereotypes. That's why we 'ad t' make our own character.
Zarniwoop: Pfeh.
wintermute: Nyp: Maus rules.
Zarniwoop: We was incapable o'mekin' things.
Zarniwoop: [wm] Seconded.
Zarniwoop: We 'ad ter tek it or do wi'out.
Zarniwoop: An' we did wi'out, unless it were there. Which it weren't.
wintermute: Med out o' old bits o' bone that we didn't need anymore.
Zarniwoop: Waste of bloody good bone.
wintermute: You en't lived until you've made character out o' your own shin.
wintermute: 'Urt, mind, tekkin' it out.
Zarniwoop: Anyways, I remember after we was evicted from Catton.
Zarniwoop: We 'ad ter live in an egg-cup outside 'Igh Catton.
wintermute: Too posh, was you?
Zarniwoop: 'Undreds of us at time.
wintermute: An egg cup? T' luck o' some people.
Zarniwoop: Tha posh lah-di-dah buggers in Catton demanded rent. Big girl's blouses.
Zarniwoop: Jus' fer livin on t'street.
wintermute: There we was, all livin' in a river. Not that we was allowed water, mind.
Zarniwoop: At least tha 'ad space.
wintermute: Any we swallowed, we 'ad to spit out again, and more besides.
Zarniwoop: Yer got no idea 'ow 'ard it is ter sleep when Pete Smith's fat arse is farting in yer face.
wintermute: Well, I say river. More of a stream, now I think back.
Zarniwoop: When 'e were allowed gas. Which weren't often.
wintermute: Mind, it seemed like a river. We were greatful, back then.
wintermute: If we weren't grateful, we'd not be allowed to work, y'see.
Zarniwoop: I'll still maintain working is fer tha who's too wimpy ter provide for thaself.
Zarniwoop: O'course, then we were kicked out o'our egg-cup.
wintermute: We 'ad t' provide fer usself. We worked fer t' pride o' it.
Zarniwoop: No pride, no nuthin'.
wintermute: We dint get paid, or anythin' like that.
Zarniwoop: We swam are way out o'Catton.
Zarniwoop: Which in't 'alf 'ard wi'out t'use of tha's legs.
wintermute: Tha 'ad legs?
wintermute: We 'ad one pair o' legs atween t' 19 o' us.
Zarniwoop: Only on other Sundays.
Zarniwoop: An' that were wi' killin' 'alf the group.
wintermute: I were allowd to use 'em on t' 33rd o' every month.
Zarniwoop: They were good as dead anyways.
Zarniwoop: An' once we got out o'yon Catton, we returned to t'moor.
Zarniwoop: Course, by now we 'ad ter mek do wi' rabbit 'ole in t'mudslide area.
wintermute: Aye. T' luxury o' t' moor.
Zarniwoop: Tha can't talk.
wintermute: An entire rabbit 'ole?
Zarniwoop: At least tha 'ad a pit.
Zarniwoop: Course not an entire bloody 'ole.
wintermute: When we 'ad a rabbit 'ole we shared it wi' a family o' brocks.
Zarniwoop: What d'ter think I am? Some sort of wimp?
wintermute: Two o' my brothers got thesselves gutted by 'em.
Zarniwoop: We shared are 'ole wi rabbits, worms, donkeys, an' t'odd lost sheep.
Zarniwoop: If sleepin' wi' Smithy farting in tha's face is hard, 'ow about with a donkey fartin' in tha's face? And that were every night, too.
wintermute: You 'ad sheep?
Zarniwoop: They weren't ours.
Zarniwoop: They were bloody dangerous.
wintermute: I bet you med real wool blankets out o' them.
Zarniwoop: They could kill, maim, or rape at an 'undred paces.
Zarniwoop: Course, Tommy the Taff liked that, but then 'e were a bit off t;deep end.
Zarniwoop: God knows what a bloody wimp like that were doin' wi' real blokes like us.
wintermute: You 'ad Taffys? Our 'ole were overrun by Micks, afore we knew what were what.
Zarniwoop: We was lucky. We were about ter be invaded by everyone at once.
Zarniwoop: But by using everyone else as a decoy, I escaped and found meself a bog to live in.
wintermute: Oh aye?
wintermute: A bog now, is it?
wintermute: Ye fell on yer feet, then?
Zarniwoop: A bog. Wi'suck so fast if I went ter sleep it'd suck me in in a second.
Zarniwoop: Round t'clock mud and water. Not that I 'ad a clock.
wintermute: How I dreamed of bein' allowed me so much as a stagnant pond.
Zarniwoop: An' it weren't even a large bog, like the Joneses 'ad.
Zarniwoop: Not even wide enough or deep enough to drown a bloody worm.
Zarniwoop: It were reet cold, I can tell yer.
wintermute: We weren't allowed cold.
Zarniwoop: I di'nt know what bloody cold was.
wintermute: We 'ad freezin' or boilin'. Nowt inbetwixt.
Zarniwoop: But if I 'ad, that were what it would 'ave been.
Zarniwoop: An' then, when t'bog dried up in t'24 heatwave, I ended up livin' in a gorse bush.
wintermute: Our 'ole were filled wi' ice more often than not.
wintermute: We'd 'ave to eat our way out every mornin'.
Zarniwoop: Wi' bluddy prickles up me arse day and night.
Zarniwoop: Summat like 'ow Tommy t'Taff must 'ave felt in t'ole.
wintermute: Course, after the 'ole collapsed, we were just underground.
Zarniwoop: At least tha would have been warm.
wintermute: Eatin yer way through frozen mud everyday, weren't fun.
wintermute: But at least it were one meal we got.
Zarniwoop: Freezin' snowfalls day an' night! Twice in winter!
Zarniwoop: An' no food but prickles.
Zarniwoop: An t'odd cowpat.
wintermute: We got prickles once. It were a rare treat.
Zarniwoop: When a farmer would get lost an' wander my way.
Zarniwoop: Once in a bluddy moon.
wintermute: I made that prickle last for months, just to savour the taste.
Zarniwoop: Tha could get away with it, tho'.
RinkChat: The chat room topic has been changed to 'The wintermute and Zarnidear show' by Cynthia.
Zarniwoop: If I 'adn't been starving, them prickles would have lasted me a lifetime.
Selah: LOL Cynthia.
wintermute: Then we 'ad to move out o' our ex-'ole.
wintermute: Ended up livin' under a garden shed, wi' a family o' 'ungry foxes.
wintermute: We et sawdust then.
Zarniwoop: At least tha 'ad company.
wintermute: Still it kept t' rain of our 'eads.
wintermute: NOt that we 'ad 'eads, mind.
wintermute: NOt that we 'ad 'eads, mind.
wintermute: They got et by t' foxes.
Zarniwoop: Once I talked ter a cowpat fer nine months, instead o'eatin' it.
Zarniwoop: Just fer owt ter do.
wintermute: You 'ad a pet?
Zarniwoop: No, not a bluddy pet.
wintermute: I weren't allowed a pet.
Zarniwoop: There were a pigeon that used to fly about near me.
wintermute: Pets were too soft for us.
Zarniwoop: Then it shat on me 'ead, so I et it.
John: Guess what? We rented some movies this weekend.
famous: What did you rent?
Zarniwoop: Movies? Movies? Tha 'as movies?
Zarniwoop: I med do wi' countin' clouds.
Zarniwoop: When I could see them through the rain.
wintermute: We 'eard about someone 'oo 'ad a 'oop, once.
Zarniwoop: Which weren't often.
Zarniwoop: A what?
wintermute: That were our entertainment.
wintermute: A 'oop. It's like a 'ole, but wi' a rim.
Zarniwoop: Tha 'ad rims?
Zarniwoop: I never 'ad a rim, or an edge, or a point. Except the ones on t'bloody prickles.
wintermute: Nah. Posh bloke 'ad a rim. We just 'eard about it.
Zarniwoop: Ah. Posh bloke.
John: Fellowship of the Ring, Monsters, Inc., and Legally Blonde.
wintermute: We talked 'bout that fer months. Best fun we 'ad in ages.
Zarniwoop: And what did tha 'ear with?
John: That latter was my wife's pick.
Zarniwoop: Surely tha didn't 'ave ears?
wintermute: Da 'ad an ear.
wintermute: T'other got et by a brock we we was in t' 'ole.
Zarniwoop: Yeah, well, 'e 'ad beatin's.
Zarniwoop: So it's understandable, like.
wintermute: We couldn't afford beatin's. Not after t' 'ole collapsed.
Zarniwoop: Then, o'course, lightnin' destroyed me bush.
Zarniwoop: An' I 'ad ter move on.
wintermute: we had t' mek do wi' just a tongue lashin'.
Zarniwoop: After that, I never 'ad nowt.
Zarniwoop: Except a patch of mud.
wintermute: Da 'ad a sharp bit o' tongue 'e saved just for that.
Zarniwoop: If I were lucky.
Zarniwoop: Oh yeah, tha with tha's posh accesories like da's.
wintermute: Bah. You talk about posh, wi' your entire moor, and steady theivin'.
wintermute: We couldn't afford air, most days.
Zarniwoop: Thievin were only steady when it were around. Once every year, but never regular, like.
wintermute: We 'ad to 'old our breath from Tuesdays t' Saturdays.
Zarniwoop: Not that I could afford years, as I already said.
wintermute: Not that we 'ad a calender. Once I 'eld me breath all month, because I dint know what day it was.
Zarniwoop: Aye, tha never 'ad air. But at least tha' never 'ad ter mek do wi' a bit of mud and nowt else.
Zarniwoop: I never could ever leave it. Twere impossible.
Zarniwoop: An entire moor, and I were stuck in t'worst bit.
Zarniwoop: Couldn't afford things like luck.
wintermute: Gi'en the choice, I'd o' swapped wi' ya.
DemanusFlint: Thot moor wot stock ya?
Zarniwoop: Di'nt believe in them anyway.
Zarniwoop: Yer bluddy insane.
Zarniwoop: Gi'ing up tha's da, and tha's little air.
wintermute: Nah. I just know soft livin' when I see it.
Zarniwoop: Obviously not.

I lost a bit here somehow. Ah, well.

Zarniwoop: At least tha 'ad summat to sell.
wintermute: We were allowed to buy twigs for 10 shillin' each.
wintermute: So once every few month, we'd save up enough for a meal.
Zarniwoop: I 'ad ter nick me twigs.
wintermute: You got free twigs?
Zarniwoop: From guarded police compound.
wintermute: Lucky bleeder.
Zarniwoop: Usually cost me three nights being hung by me knackers on t'wall.
Zarniwoop: It were worth it, though.
wintermute: Upside down?
Zarniwoop: Sometimes.
wintermute: Jailer's pet, were you?
Nyperold: When 'e cou afford upside.
Zarniwoop: No. Jailer bluddy 'ated me.
wintermute: Upside down were a luxury.
Zarniwoop: So 'e'd drop cannonballs on me.
wintermute: Prison I was in, you dint get upside down unless you were jailer's favourite.
wintermute: Right vicious sod, 'e was.
Zarniwoop: Tha 'ad prison?
Zarniwoop: I 'ad ter mek do wi' town wall.
wintermute: 'E once ripped all o' my skin off wi' a cheese grater. Just because 'E dint like the colour o'h my hair.
wintermute: An' me bald as a coot, too.
* DemanusFlint sinks deeper and deeper into the Cockney accents... such bliss...
Zarniwoop: 'Ow would tha know what a coot looked like?
Zarniwoop: COCKNEY?????????????
wintermute: DF: Yorkshire.
DemanusFlint: Yorkshire, Cockney. I'm sure there's no difference.
wintermute: Stupid Americans.
DemanusFlint: (-:
Zarniwoop: This is pure bluddy Yorkshire! I don't 'old no bluddy truck with THEM bluddy softies.
DemanusFlint: No, I know there's a difference between them. I just couldn't tell by typing.
Zarniwoop: Yorkshire is up North. Cockney is the East End of London.
wintermute: I saw a coot once. I were actin' as target practice fer local poacher.
DemanusFlint: Give me a sentence in Cockney, and then the same sentence in Yorkshire.
Zarniwoop: Okay. My response to that, in Cockney:
Zarniwoop: Blimey! You was able to work for a poacher? My lad, you haven't got a clue.
Zarniwoop: Not terribly good Cockney, but the accent's most of it.
Zarniwoop: Yorkshire:
Zarniwoop: By gum, tha knew poachers? An' well enuff ter werk fer one?
DemanusFlint: I thought Cockneys did that weird '"h" where it doesn't belong, and not where it should be' thing too.
Zarniwoop: And tha talks about sufferin'.
Zarniwoop: Bluddy hypocrite.
Zarniwoop: What weird thing?
DemanusFlint: Like when you were saying "'ad" instead of "had." I thought Cockneys did that.
Zarniwoop: Yeah.
wintermute: Aye. He'd practice shootin' at me, and in exchange, I'd be allowed to sniff the skins every second month.
Zarniwoop: But it sounds different.
Zarniwoop: Sniff? Tha 'ad a nose as well?
Zarniwoop: Cockneys also don't say things like "tha" or truncate "the" to "t'"
DemanusFlint: Ah.
Zarniwoop: Or "summat", or "yonder".
wintermute: And they tend to use rhyming slang that you would find far more impenetrable.
Zarniwoop: Or "big girl's blouse".
Zarniwoop: Eh! I'm talking to tha! Did tha or did tha not 'ave a bluddy nose?
wintermute: Like "Get yer plates down the frog, and tinkle the joanna in the rub-a-dub, and I'll buy you a couple of britanys."
Zarniwoop: Come to the next RU and I'll give you a crash course in recognising English dialects.
wintermute: I used to 'ave a nose. It got shot off, second day, mind.
Zarniwoop: Shot off?
Zarniwoop: Mine were on t'point of freezin' off.
wintermute: Aye. Wi' shot.
Zarniwoop: Then it got gored by one o'Tommy t'Taff's sheep.
wintermute: Like I say, you was lucky, 'avin' Taffs.
Zarniwoop: At least Paddies don't go out ter bugger the local wildlife.
wintermute: We only 'ad Micks fer company.
wintermute: Aye, but yon buggerin' meks t' huntin' easier.
Zarniwoop: Nor Micks, nor Jocks.
Zarniwoop: Yeah, but it makes bluddy almighty row.
wintermute: An' that's 'ow yer find 'em.
DemanusFlint: Taffs, Paddies, Micks, Jocks?
wintermute: Taffs = Welshmen.
wintermute: Paddies = Southern Irishmen (also "Boggies")
wintermute: Micks = Norther Irishmen
wintermute: Jocks = Scotsmen.
Zarniwoop: Yeah, but 'oo wants ter watch owt that weren't intended by nature?
wintermute: Well, I suppose you 'ad better things t' watch, did you?
wintermute: I suppose you 'ad sceenery or summat.
Zarniwoop: No, but anything's better than bluddy Tommy shaggin' a sheep.
Zarniwoop: Even a bluddy Tottenham match.
wintermute: Was a time, we was livin' on a rubber dingy in t' middle o' t' North Sea. If we saw a wave, it were a special event.
Zarniwoop: Not that we ever 'ad football.
wintermute: We 'ad to swim 50 miles so see anything at all.
[->wintermute] I bet it hurt Zarni deep inside to say, "Not that we ever 'ad football."
Zarniwoop: O'course, then t'council kicked me off t'moor. Dumped me in t'Irish Sea.
wintermute: An' then it were just a lump o' rock in t' middle o' nowhere.
Zarniwoop: Wi'out not so much as a stitch o'clothing. Or owt else.
*wintermute* Probably.
Zarniwoop: I survived by eating t'salt in t'water.
Zarniwoop: Eventually, I med it to t'Irish coust.
wintermute: We only et sea water on Sundays.
wintermute: Rest o' the time we 'ad t' mek do w' rain water.
Zarniwoop: Soon as I realised, I jumped straight back in and 'eaded t'other way.
wintermute: Some days it dint rain for weeks, an we went 'ungry.
wintermute: But we were used t' that.
Zarniwoop: Got lost.
Zarniwoop: Spend god knows how long flounderin'.
Zarniwoop: Eventually, I were washed up in Sierra Leone an'used as a dummy by t'Army.
wintermute: Some days we couldn't even afford to float.
wintermute: We 'ad to dodge sharks, t' boot.
Zarniwoop: Tied ter a pole in t'middle o'nowhere.
Zarniwoop: Sharks? I could never affors sharks.
Xavier: Minna-san, Nihongo o hanasu koto ga dekimasu ka?
Zarniwoop: Worst I could affort ter be threatened with were plankton.
wintermute: I wish we'd on'y 'ad plankton.
wintermute: That's the kind o' thing today's kids get.
Zarniwoop: Aye. Today's kids.
Xavier: Wakarimasu ka?
wintermute: Don't know they're alive, if you ask me.
Zarniwoop: Wouldn't know hard if it came up and bit them on t'bloody arse.
Zarniwoop: Aye. Wouldn't know if they was dead.
wintermute: I knew dead. Every bloody day...
Zarniwoop: Ah well. Youth these days.
* wintermute is off now. Thank you for tuning in.
Zarniwoop: Wouldn't know if they died and went to 'eaven.
wintermute: Aye, kids today.
* Selah claps weakly.
RinkChat: The chat room topic has been changed to 'Show's over, folks.' by wintermute.

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