Thees, Thous, and Tapeworms


I was /away when this started, which is why the transcript begins in medias res. Ordinarily I wouldn't put up an incomplete transcript, but this was just too epic to allow to fall into obscurity, fragmented or no.

Zullin: I was on fire then, too, as I recall.
gremlinn: Zullin, the Flaming Magnetized Daredevil.
Zullin: Is there already a magnetized superhero? I think there is.
Zullin: I wouldn't want to step on any toes.
gremlinn: I already gnawed mine off.
Zullin: Ah, yes, during the Rhodesia campaign? Those were dark days for all of us.
Zullin: How well I remember Lieutenant Pumperton's dying words: "Eat the women and children first."
gremlinn: I was tied into a pretzel and nailed to a cross in the middle of the Sahara. It was the only body part I could reach with my mouth.
Zullin: But those of us who still remembered what it meant to be a gentleman decided to start on the jeeps first. Then, of course, our own extremities.
Zullin: Ah, yes, after you were captured.
Travholt: Hard to step on anyone's toes when you're on fire and stuck to the underside of a plane, isn't it?
gremlinn: Yes, after I was captured and lobotomized three times.
Zullin: Travholt: It takes a special kind of courage.
Zullin: Pity the bushmen had run out of that anesthetic herb they use.
gremlinn: Ahh, the good old days, before my life got strange.
Zullin: Memories, memories.
Zullin: They're all that keep me going sometimes. That, and fear of my alien masters.
Travholt has left.
Zullin: One false move, and they'll reverse the polarity of my kidneys.
gremlinn: And you'll fall off the plane?
Travholt has entered.
Travholt: I once made my Internet connection a sentient being just so that I could KILL IT afterwards.
Zullin: Precisely. And I believe my parachute is charred past all usefulness. Cruel Fortune!
Travholt has left.
Travholt has entered.
Zullin: The aliens tell me I should blame the great Khan, rather than the heavens, but what are such distinctions to me?
Cynthia is back.
Zullin: If I still had eyeballs, it might be a different story.
Zullin: Bitterly I repent of my folly, for I have learned -- too well, too well! -- the dangers of typing with a pencil up my nose. One slip, and an eye is gone forever.
Cynthia: It was the tapeworms that got my eyes.
gremlinn: But verily. wouldst thou not be glad to be rid, once and for all, of those vexsome organs which bring such ghastly visions to your brain?
Zullin: Ay, gentle sir, and it was for that selfsame reason that I did, e'en upon realizing what I had done, pluck out the other offending orb.
Athaleon: Meep.
* gremlinn walks to center stage next to Zullin and bows as the curtains close.
Zullin: Had I known of the virtuous example of this fair maid, however, I would have allowed a tapeworm to feed upon the aqueous humour contained therein. So should I have at once satisfied two desires: the innocent beast's for nourishment, and my own for symmetry.
gremlinn: Ooh, nice.
* Cynthia blushes.
gremlinn: Zullin should get a quote for that one.
Cynthia: Had I still mine eyes, they would shy from thee, kind sir.
Cynthia: In the knowledge that were they sapphires most perfect, they would be unable to equal the beauty of thy soul.
Zullin: But doth not the learned poets teach us that beauty lieth in the eye of the beholder? So should thine eyes, esteemed by your humble servant as a hundredfold times more admirable than the richest gems of the Orient, take their rightful place in the opinions of mankind.
gremlinn: What foolishness? What callous malice is this? Beware, fair maiden, for he doth speak with the tongue of the serpent. Truly he lulls you to his good favor with his honey-sweet words, but he will unfailingly betray thee and cast thee to the roadside.
Cynthia: I ... I know not what to say in response. Verily foul can seem fair, and fair, foul, yet I cannot distinguish between the twain. Forgive me, noble sirs, for I am but a poor unlettered scullery maid in comparison to thy formidable intellects.
Zullin: Heed not his counsel, my lady, for he speaks from lustful desire, not from friendship. He would possess your person for his own uses, for, though it doth truly pain me to speak so of one who hath in better times been my most bosom friend, he requireth a human's toes for a foul, sorcerous hell-brew which even now doth simmer in his fiendish laboratory.
Zullin: (He hath already thus consumed his own, at the behest of the demon he calls master.)
* gremlinn dost hurriedly dismantle said fiendish laboratory.
gremlinn: Nay, 'tis but lies, as thou can plainly see!
Cynthia: I pray you forgive my query, but then what be the bubbling cauldron in thy fireplace?
Zullin: Verily, even now he doth mock thy tapeworm-bitten sockets. "See" indeed!
gremlinn: Canst thou not observe as I wriggle these earth-bound digits, yet attached and uneaten!
Cynthia: Indeed I cannot, lacking sight. 'Tis my hearing that grants me knowledge of the cauldron.
Wormwood: OK, now you all have to talk like you're in the Old West.
* gremlinn dost brandish a rapier and skewerth the belly of Zullin, exposing the foul beast's dishonest innards.
gremlinn: I'll give ya to the count of three, pardna. We're gonna settle this like men, once and for all. Get'cha self ready.
Zullin: Were I not so full of tapeworm that my intestines are inured to all harm from without, that might, in good faith, have seriously inconvenienced me.
Wormwood: I reckon' you boys 'll need a referee.
* Cynthia wrings her hands and looks useless and empty-headed.
Zullin: I do perceive that the foul knave challengeth you to mortal combat, my lady. My prayers go with thee.
Zullin: Call'st my lady "boy," knave Wormwood?
Wormwood: Zullin: Never would I besmirch a fair lady so! I demand reparations for this insult! I challenge you to a duel!
* gremlinn starts the countdown. 5...4...33...2..2....1.....3...
* gremlinn draws and blasts off his own head.
Zullin: I prithee, lady, arm thyself well. He hath knowledge of forbidden magicks, and may attempt deceit and treachery against thee.
* Cynthia picks up grem's old shotgun. Bring it on.
Zullin: Worm of Wood: I cast thy gage back in thy teeth, base-born churl. Have at thee!
* gremlinn's brains slide onto Cynthia's arms.
* Zullin hides behind Cynthia.
Wormwood: Eat lead, alien scum!
* Cynthia tries to scoop gremlinn's brains back into gremlinn.
* gremlinn is zombified, and runs around looking for brains.
* Wormwood throws a homing cerebral bore at Zullin.
Zullin: Whoever loses, the tapeworms are going to win.
* Zullin ducks too late.
* Wormwood watches as gremlinn devours Zullin's brain.
* gremlinn can't find his brains, and doesn't have a mouth to consume them, so settles for eviscerating himself and stuffing his innards down his throat.
* Cynthia sighs. And they seemed like such nice boys.
Kaz has entered.
* Cynthia flings her arms around Kaz.
Zullin: Perhaps, girl, thou shouldst call upon thy minotaur paramour to aid thee.
Wormwood: Hi!
Cynthia: Oh, save me, for I am at the mercy of these ruffians!
* Kaz doth HUG Cynthia :-)
Kaz: What doth the fair mistress say? What dost thou wilt?
Zullin: Nay, foul Worm. Thou hast not the right of it. I willingly gave it them.
Cynthia: Perhaps, Zullin, thou shouldst stop substituting what thou doth see in the mirror for how thou doth perceive another.
* gremlinn decomposes and starts to smell really foul.
Cynthia: Dearest Kaz, you may deal with them as you see fit, as they have all tried to waylay me.
* Wormwood spreads some of that pink sawdust over gremlinn.
* Zullin would look in a mirror to see what Cynthia is talking about, but has no eyes.
Kaz: Dearest Cynthia, I wouldst prefer to do with thee as I see fit. ;-)
* Zullin looks away politely.
* gremlinn decomposes politely.
* Wormwood gets out his camcorder.
* Cynthia shoots the camcorder. No. No. No.
* Kaz pokes those who have tried to waylay Cynthia in the back.
* gremlinn did not to try to waylay her.
Kaz: Then thou didst not get poked, sir.
* gremlinn tried to warn her about Zullin.
* Wormwood did not try to waylay Cynthia.
* gremlinn hath been reduced to a smoke.
* Wormwood turns into a vampire.
Kaz: Okay, who hath waylaid mine Cynthia? :-P Come hither, for I do possess a gift for thee.....
* Cynthia stakes Wormwood.
Zullin: It was the tapeworms.
Zullin: They disguised themselves as us.
* Wormwood turns into Wolverine.
* gremlinn's tapeworms gnaw into Zullin's brains.
Zullin: Aieeeee!
Wormwood: No one can beat Wolverine, except maybe Batman! What do you say to that, Cynthia?
Kaz: Wormwood: Canst thou withstand the blow of a mithril claymore?
Wormwood: Kaz: I eat claymores for breakfast!
Kaz: Wormwood: Then thou shouldst see an alchemist, for methinks thou dost get too much iron in thine diet.....
* gremlinn's tapeworms are full. Burp.
Wormwood: I regularly let blood to alleviate the excess iron! Then I make the blood into a poisonous soup which Zullin sells to schoolchildren.
Kaz: Erm.... dost thou remove thine kidney too?
gremlinn: Oh, not kidneys again.
Kaz: ...again?
Kaz: Wilt kind sir explain?
Zullin: OH NO THERE GOES MY RENAL POLARITY
gremlinn: Zullin's evil alien masters have threatened to reverse the polarity of his metallic kidneys if he disobeys them. If that happens, he'll plummet from the underside of the plane to which he's attached.
* Zullin plummets, flaming, to his death.
Kaz: ....
* Kaz wins! (or something...)
* gremlinn's tapeworms jump out of the plummeting Zullin with little parachutes. They're very cute.
Zullin: I think the tapeworms win, too.
Wormwood: In the end, it's always the tapeworms that win.
* Cynthia can no longer speak, as the tapeworms have gnawed out her vocal cords.
Zullin: Ain't that the truth.
Kaz: Aaaaack!
* Kaz saves Cynthia. Somehow.
Kaz: Bad tapeworm! Thou dost not invade mine Cynthia! Thou shalt not get a cookie!
gremlinn: Are they mine or Cynthia's?
gremlinn: Oh, they're mine. Part of a foreign body exchange program.
* Cynthia spreads her hands. They all look rather the same to her.
Zullin: How many hands do you have?
Cynthia: Well, er, one and a quarter.
Kaz: Then take back thine tapeworms and let the lady -- nay, the princess -- be free of them.
Zullin: All this is making me hungry.
Kaz: If thou dost wish to eat tapeworm, then thou canst be mine guest..... though thou shoudst cook them.....
* Wormwood casts a regeneration spell on Cynthia and she is back to normal.
Cynthia: Thank'ee, Wormwood.
* Zullin is plummeting very slowly, since he is so light from loss of various body parts and parasites.
Kaz: Thank thee, Wormwood. Verily, I do prefer mine Cynthia healthy. :-)
* Cynthia casts a line down to Zullin in hopes that he has something left with which to catch onto it.
Zullin: Oh, I wasn't complaining. It's kind of peaceful, actually. Peaceful and oozy.
Cynthia: If you insist.
* Cynthia retracts the line and goes to bed.
Kaz: *yawns* Verily, I must be off to bed also.
Zullin: Good night! Don't let the tapeworms bite!
Cynthia: Mmm, yes, same to you; try to defend what you've got left.
Kaz has left.
Cynthia: And for goodness' sake, play nice.
Cynthia has left.

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